KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Did you start Meth to lose weight?

candi cayne 365	Did you start Meth to lose weight? I would like to know if there is anyone who, like me, started using meth for the sole purpose of losing weight? i don't have time now to post my whole story, but i will say that i have dealt with food issues since the age of 6, and anorexia/bulimia since i was 11. i started to (and still do) use after i had my two children, in order to lose all the baby weight. i am obsessed with staying thin. lately (the last 6mo or so), i have been able to stop using for about 2 wks, but as soon as i start gaining weight, i freak out and use again. i have hardly ever used to numb any kind of pain, with the exception of when after a year clean i still did not get my children back. then i used for a month then tried to kill myself by swallowing 80 sleeping pills. my point is, its not fun to use and I'm not into altering my state of mind. my greatest heartache is losing my 2 beautiful boys, and i would rather be dead than use meth to numb that pain. yet i will use in a heartbeat to be thin. can anyone relate, or help make sense?
Replies...
isel	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? When i used meth i had this feeling that i thought i was beautiful and thin and i loved it even though i felt like utter sh*t. you decide would you rather have your children or use meth? Sounds like you have taken it too far. Maybe you are in denial that you are addicted there are so many other ways to losing weight. Find a way to be thin and content with yourself and be a mother.
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? That's just it. I have already lost custody of both my little boys. I did choose them in April 2005, when cps first got involved. I was 100% clean until April of this year. It is a long story of why i did not get them back, but it has absolutely 0 to do with using. The weird part is, that I've used for over 5yrs, so i know what i look like on meth - my hair falls out, my eyes have huge dark circles, bags, my cheeks sink in, and for the last 3 yrs, i get very bad eye infections every time i pick the s*#t up again. so i know I'm not beautiful. But none of that matters as long as I'm thin. Is that disgusting or what?
JUSTCATS	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? IMO, it sounds like you had an eating addiction in the first place, which makes you feel like you are overweight. The meth just intensifies the weight loss which makes you feel better, then when you stop you feel fat again, because of the eating addiction. Have you ever gotten any help for the anorexia?
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? No, I've never gotten help for any kind of issues that i have with food. I was sent to group therapy for meth addiction, and i could relate in so many ways on getting hooked. The thing I struggle with now is relapsing. I rarely get the cravings i used to get in the past, I think i sleep through them cuz i will sleep for days. but when the weight comes on i just flip out, and then i go and use again. i was offered once to attend an eating disorders group, but no one there was a meth user. At the time (a couple months clean) i felt that wouldn't work. Maybe it wouldn't, maybe it would have. I think now, that at the time i was kind of still making excuses. Only then, i felt i was honestly trying. I wanted my kids back, i was just very unwilling to go in-depth about why i used in the 1st place. It took a lot for me to admit i had an eating problem to the one who offered me the eating disorder group.
forget suzette	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? A reporter came here wanting someone to answer her questions about "the crystal meth diet" reporter wrote: I'm writing a magazine report on meth use for weight loss in the USA and I understand that people want to remain anonymous so I thought this might be a good way to research it. I have 12 questions and I'd be so grateful if you could answer them for me. Kindest regards and thank you for your time. 1. What age did you first use?... 17 2. Why did you think it would help you lose weight? I just did it because I was raised in the 70's and drugs weren't known yet to be devastating, I had a lot of gay friends, they told me I should try it. (1983) I used on and off my whole life I actually quit 6 years before my last relapse. I returned to meth for weight and ADHD issues. 3. What was your weight before and after use? Timescale of that? I'll give you the easiest timescale I can, If you do speed and you are smart you force food to not get malnutrition. I would drink soup, sports shakes, yogurt, and take vitamins. so... on a year relapse...lets use 2003 I started at 185lbs in march, by april - 165 may - 155 june - 145 july - 140 came home quit using I went from 140 to 170 in three weeks...I kid you not. ...........the weight comes back fast. 4.How much did you use? Where did you get it from? I started at a quarter gram I ate it in capsule first, snorted it, smoked toward the end and then all three. my tolerance rose to a gram a day in two months....then I lost count. .........I got it from the devil. heh! heh! 5. How did it make you feel? at first very organized and happy, creative, sexy, manic, ...it has a false sense of well being. and I actually found I have ADHD, so I would have PLANS when I got it ...to organize, clean or draw, do art stuff....etc. then when you stay awake for one day (24 hours) not as organized and creative, more obsessive compulsive. like re-arranging a table for 10 hours or some weird thing. .....when you are awake 3 days.... you start hallucinating and getting auditory hallucinations. whispers, glimpses of things, flashes of something. ...you get really crazy, clinically psychotic... I was pretty strong mentally but I knew people that already had personality disorders...like paranoia or internal rage that REALLY got weird...thinking people or things were after them, believing the whispers were real, picking at their faces. 6. Did it affect your life? It took away EVERYTHING I've ever cared about and turned me into a different person, throwing my own personal values aside, like honestly, patience, time, being on time, feeling real love, just love for meth was what I had.. 7. Did you lose weight? Did you like the way you looked? Yeah baby! I lost weight alright. ....and I thought I was dead sexy too. I was, and I am still... but, I noticed my circulation going wrong. blood pressure once was 175 over 95 so I got blood pressure pills and continued use, I knew it was killing me but I loved it sooo much. I loved being thin, and kept going. and then. my hands started looking old first, then, I noticed my skin hanging from dehydration and rapid weight loss, I had dark circles under my eyes, my skin looked bad. I went threw a lot of phases with side effects and meth. first fever blisters, then my voice would go away, hives, bruising easily, translucent, motor cortex retardation, cutting my hair like rod stewarts every time, (that's one way my friends knew it every time,... my hair!) malnutrition, dehydration, dreams of paralysis I couldn't wake up from . ..freaky. then the breaker box effect, like if you flipped one off and back on...I'd mentally fall into a shutting down thing then click back on before I passed out...wide awake. I got "spinning energy " what I called it anyway..... If you look into a bright light then close your eyes you get an impression of the light......burning sort of right? well spin that, like spinning light. then add being awake, and seeing it when I would stare at a person or wall... I could see thru it, at least it was clear, but this went on for a month while I was recovering once. I looked older because of , dehydration, lack of sleep, malnutrition. A great description is people in Nazi concentration camps. I could wear make up, but my body, mind and complexion were not good. 8.When did you realize it was a problem? see above^smiles 9. When decide you had to stop and how did you stop if so? I stopped several times, this last time I lost everything, I wished I was in a padded cell so I would not have to look for anything else that day. I am ADHD and it multiplied. I couldn't pay attention to my own thoughts, I couldn't find anything, I lost credit cards, my phone book I had 20 years, my family photos, and my parents baby pics. .................how did I quit doing it? I went insane and lost the ability to hold a job to buy more, or a place to live and I was facing some horrible alternatives, but the demon howled anyway. I still went home instead of having sex with someone for money..... I just COULDN'T DO IT... It was all I had left to sell, at least I feel like I still have my soul... .......but I definatly lost everything else. then when I came down I was so depressed, and felt like dying, just numb, I can't live without it I thought, I wanted to die using cause I couldn't live without it. I was thin...yes. 10. How is your weight now? ........ya mean my burdens? still quite heavy! My weight drum roll is 169...ok 170! smiles ...........but 140 was skinny as a rail for my build. I'd be happy at 155-160 11. Do you think young women do use crystal meth as a weight loss option? oh yes. 12. What would your advice be to them? as the weight goes down, so does your sanity. it made me greedy, and a liar...too things I'm really not at heart. I can only say, you have to do meth to know how bad it is, but by then it's too late. you wish you could cut that part out of your brain, it's like it makes a part of your brain, rotten. like a bad person lives in us all that forever, and it's a demon trying to get out all the time. but we can't give in, but we want to throw away reality and go there, but we can't escape reality, that's insanity. AND you will blow up like someone out an air hose up your butt when it's over. THE END
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? Wow. I don't even know what to say. So much of what u just said is ME. Even the hands. One of the many things that meth has done to my body is age my hands horribly. I used to have nice hands, even got offered for them to be in an Avon brochure. not that big a deal, I know, but i would love to have them nice again. and losing your voice-i did too. i had an eye, skin, and throat infection all at once. but none of that mattered as much as being a size 2. I'm so sorry you went through what you did. I totally know what its like. i truly wish i can get rid of this obsession to stay thin because i know i would not use meth. i have used diet pills, i do exercise, but its not enough. the way meth makes the weight just disappear, and makes me feel so wonderfully skinny is just too tempting. i try, i really do. if i eat, i throw up, and that's not easy to hide, so I'd rather i just didn't eat. and with meth, well as we all know, there is hardly any eating. its like i keep going round in circles. i just want to go straight!
Sunshine GirlinMo	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? I am not a meth addict. I used coke for 9 years though. The whole scenario you describe was me for the last 5 years of my addiction. I would binge for 2 days, rest and do it again in order to lose the 4 pounds I would gain on my off time. I too vomited after I ate any meal! According to my doc, this was because of the coke. It did a nasty number on my digestive system. It didn't clear up until after a year of being clean. I lived on Rolaids for 10 years it seemed. Just sharing my two cents.
silly veronica	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? Candicayne -- As anyone experienced on here will tell you - recovery from meth isn't just about abstaining ... it's about figuring out the underlying issues that caused you to use in the first place and addressing/fixing those issues. It sounds to me like you've already got an excellent grasp on this issue - weight loss. But you need to dig even further. What are the underlying issues that cause you to want to be so thin, that you HAVE to be so thin? Search deeper, figure out the perfection/weight loss issues and I think you'll get further in your recovery from meth as well. I've never used meth, but I'm a recovering bulimic. I've battled with "being perfect" for as long as I can remember because I was never perfect enough in my mom's eyes - never good enough (so I thought). I could control my weight, I could control my appearance ... but it was never enough. I've used diet pills, Ecstasy, cross-tops, laxatives, on and on to keep my weight down -- luckily, I was never bold enough to try meth (thank GOD). Figure out the unhappiness that lies deep within you, even deeper than your eating disorder. There's something going on there and THAT is where your recovery will start.
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? Right now i am struggling with the issue of being LATE...if you know what i mean. I am able to sleep better lately, for awhile after he did that to me, i stayed awake thinking he was going to come after me for telling his boss. nothing happened with that. THANK YOU to all who replied. you have hit the nail right on the head! my mother stressed being thin my whole life! if i put on weight at any time, she would show me pics of me skinny (and using), and say "i like you this way". I can't think of anything else that would make this such an issue for me, my whole life. I never was into drugs, didn't drink after i had my kids, yet i jumped right into meth. Your right, i need to dig deep and get to the underlying issues. i was also brought up not to talk about feelings, or embarrass the family. during my year of UA's, drug court, counseling etc, my mother was very embarrassed. not blaming her, just trying to figure things out. thanks for all the input!!
Kell happy	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? In my opinion, if you've been using for 5 years there is no chance that losing custody wasn't related to your meth use in some way. Please understand that meth is cunning. Meth, and addiction, will make you rationalize and justify all kinds of things in order to keep getting high. It'll make you think problems aren't problems. It'll make you think "I deserve this", and so many other lies, until you believe them. Also, I imagine that there is some pain in your life you are unwilling to deal with. Being thin doesn't make you a good person. If you are that terrified of not being thin, I would imagine there is some pain attached to that. You must also be in a lot of pain over losing your children. I am really glad you posted. I hope you will continue to come here and talk. There are so many good people here who will listen, and who have so much experience, strength and hope to share. It's a good place to ask questions, to share or even to vent out your feelings when you can't hold them in. Welcome.
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? absolutely I'm in pain at losing my little boys. meth use is why they were taken. I can HONESTLY say i was clean the whole year I had UA's 9 times a mo. the entire yr. i had a caseworker who REALLY favored their father. when time came in court to place them with my ex or stay in the system with the goal of giving them back to me, i had a dirty oral swab test (coke). cuz of that, they were placed w/my ex. it wasn't till a month later and a LOT of pushing for a retest, that the same sample was negative. that month was H3LL! i knew i was clean! after proving to be clean, i was told cps doesn't like to move kids too much & they were best left w/ my ex. i did everything i was told. i went from using every hour, living with my kids in & out of my car, different motels, no job-to a job i kept, meetings,3 bdrm home, BEING CLEAN! i was told they weren't coming home. I got depressed.1 week before court i tried to kill myself. I ended up in the psycho ward at the hospital. court proceedings went on w/o me. that's how i lost custody.
Loraura	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? I would recommend seeing a counselor about these issues. Treating eating disorders is not unlike treating drug addiction, and I think a professional could have a lot to offer you. Body image is often tied to self-esteem. No matter what your ACTUAL appearance may be, low self-esteem can cause a distorted self-image. Bulimia is also often associated with control. There are so many things in this world we CAN NOT control, that some find a kind of distorted feeling of control when they purge, and find it somewhat comforting to reduce anxiety which is caused y lack of control in other areas of life. Fear of gaining weight is another issue. For many of us, our fears are what makes or breaks us in the "happiness" department. When we are locked by fear, and fear compels us to do things we don't really WANT to do, then we are not healthy emotionally. This can be worked though, however. Here is some additional information I gathered regarding weight gain, metabolism, and meth recovery. goh.hopto.org/methandweight.asp I wish you the best
Naiev Newlywed	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? Not initially no. Loved the way I looked. Hated everything else. I've struggled with weight my entire life too. Guess what Candy - people are going to love you for what's inside. People are going to get to know you and tell you that you are beautiful without even seeing you, and mean it. You're going to touch peoples hearts and souls, and feel love, no matter what the wrapping on the package looks like. Trust me - I know.
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? Thank you so much for that. i fully intend to respond correctly to that. right now i need a minute. a lot of minutes. i just found out that due to that f***ing a$$hole b@st@#d assaulting me after putting me to sleep i am pregnant.
kmb2006	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? *Quote:* i just found out that due to that f***ing a$$hole b@st@#d assaulting me after putting me to sleep i am pregnant. Candi, Oh no or congratulations? I'm sure you're a complete wreck right now... God works in very mysterious ways and this may be just the opportunity you needed. You can use this as something to pull you down into a pit of despair, or you can use it to launch you toward something more... Please keep us updated...
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? This is in response to isel's reply on another thread but maybe there's others who thought the same about me losing custody of my 2 beautiful little boys. i didn't feel judged by isel's reply. she's right-i did lose custody due to meth. in a way. i lost custody because every time i started to get ahead. my caseworker acted like a barrier instead of helping reach the goal i was busting my a$$ for, which was family reunification. BUT she would've never have had a chance to do that if i hadn't been using in the 1st place. also, my older son has cystic fibrosis, and my ex made up stories that i wasn't giving him proper medical attention despite EXCELLENT health diagnosed by a cps approved dr. immediately following removal from my home. lies plus a false positive drop, plus "misplaced" paperwork and a less than honest caseworker made it h3ll. but i do take full responsibility for my meth use starting the whole ball rolling. believe me, it hurts everyday. i still have a few shirts & pair of dirty socks that i smell.
Jamie J1979	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? My mother is overweight, she has been my whole life. She's always on some new diet and always complains about her weight. She puts life on hold for when "she's thin." I should give her credit and say she used to be like this. Actually since she's been dealing with her personal issues things have gotten a bit better. I'm a thin person, even while pregnant I'm still thin everywhere but my stomach where the baby is! Still I worry about getting my body back and blah blah blah. I do know that using uppers never works long term. I was overweight by 25 lbs one time in my life when I was using a lot of Xanax and laying around not doing anything. Oh yeah I was using uppers but not loosing weight because my body got used to the uppers and I was able to eat. I didn't lose weight until I stopped using all the drugs. I've found that things gained the easy way never last. Putting effort into eating healthy and working out is the only way to long lasting weight loss. That's what has always kept me thin. Drugs are a temp fix to a permanent problem, in recovery we learn to really address the real issue meaning the root of the problem. Drug skinny isn't attractive anyway. You may be thin but you look like crap! That's the truth. Plus it's not worth it, all the stuff that you have to give up to be dope skinny isn't worth it. You mentioned not going to the eating disorder group because nobody else was a meth addict, so what? You don't have to have everything in common with others in the group. The main thing you share in common is a obsession with your weight, a eating disorder. Look for what you have in common instead of differences.
candi cayne 365	Re: Did you start Meth to lose weight? You're right, i should look for things in common instead of differences. that's why i say that looking back now, i was just making excuses, but at the time i truly thought i was trying. i just don't know where to start. i need to decide what to do about this pregnancy. that is suffocating me the most because i know i only have a certain amount of time to make a decision. you know, the reason i felt so uncomfortable going to an eating disorder group being a meth user is because my use is so private to me. just between me and the dealer. i have even kept it from my roommate. she knows i use, actually she's the one i first used with back in 2000. she doesn't use now though. anyway i just feel like there's too much going on. I don't know what to do 1st. thanks for the reply.